THAT’S HOW I ENDED UP IN THERAPY

It's the dark days when you sit back and see the reflection of what your life has become. It all hits you like a raging bull because we think all the negatives that could possibly exist. That is when we need to find the strength within ourselves, the strength that we ourselves have thrown away in the farthest pit but it still exists in everyone of us, the strength...", And the lady went on and on about it. I have been in therapy for about three days now. My father thinks I am suffering from depression. He saw me reading my mom's suicide note again. Yes, my mother committed suicide when I was 12. Time and again I take out the letter and read it, not because I am depressed but because I want to understand what made her do it. What had happened that she was left with no hope at all? No one knows why she did it. My dad was a marine, so he was away. I was at school. Was it that she was lonely, didn't seem so? I remember her with her beautiful smile and the way her golden hair glistened when she went out in the sun. I remember her singing in the kitchen while she baked my favorite cookies but what I don't remember is her being sad.

"Why? Why would you want to keep it and read it again and again Abby?" 

"Dad, it's the last thing I am left with moms and I am not depressed for one last time!

“I am going to throw it away if you won't, it's enough and you are going to join group therapy tomorrow!"

With that he stormed out of my room. I guess it's not easy to raise a teenage daughter especially if you have just lost your beloved wife. Although it's been 4 years now, I see his love for her grow everyday and that worries me. It's beautiful how the love grows but the problem lies when the pain also grows every day. Sometimes I think he needs therapy more than me. But isn't that what every kid thinks for their parent once in a while. Now, you must be thinking, this is the last time I might be reading the note and how could I be so relaxed? Well, the words are carved into me like a tattoo for life.

One mistake can change your life. That is what I have learned. But can any mistake be that big that you are labelled for life? This is what I want to ask! Can all the right doings in life go down because of one wrong move? And who has the answers to these questions? Isn’t there an Undo button for all this? I want to runaway, from this city or county...to a place where no one knows me. Where I have no fear of being judged! Not only because I am scared of what they would think of me but also because I have let many of them down! Would making some cuts give me the answer or raise more questions? Because right now I don't recognize the person in the mirror!